Procrastinator's Toolbox

Su(cked into)doku

Leave it to the Japanese to take those seemingly elementary numbers 1 through 9, plug them into a grid, and create a minimalist art-like guise to the hard-as-fuck-brain-bashing-hair-pulling-yet-addictive-as-any-mental-morphine-drip game that is Sudoku.  Wile away the hours completing any one of a billion+ puzzles that range from "easy" to "evil" on WebSudoku.  Even worse, you can download this insidious game onto your phone, transforming it into a torture device like no other.

You can thank Mama Kim for the new masochistic "hobby."

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim, who thinks the average "easy" solving time of 6 minutes 31 seconds is terribly fishy

... and his bucket of parts

You know the song: Mr. Potato Head... and his bucket of parts!  Yeah.  That's it.  Rockin'.  Now sing that jingle jangle of commercial earworm tuneyness over and over again as you enjoy the fallout of merging technology, nostalgia, and the human ability to be easily amused into ... (drumroll please... I said, drumroll please...)... Javascript Mr. Potato Head!  And of course, don't forget his bucket of parts.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Ms. Kyoung Kim Head, and her bucket of parts

Fighter pilots go gaming

The US Air Force uses this game for fighter pilots, or so it said in the forwarding rumor mill.  The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.  Looks easier than it is.  The average layperson "Woo hoo!"s when he/she gets to 30 seconds; pilots are expected to last for 2 minutes.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim

Viva la Gamevolucíon!

La Molle Industria is calling for a Gamevolution with "videogames against the dictatorship of entertainment."  In their manifesto, the people of La Molle state "We can free the 'dictatorship of entertainment', using them instead to describe pressing social needs, and to express our feelings or ideas just as we do in other forms of art."

But these aren't your baby bro's educational games.  Gone are the talking squirrels singing "Right-o!" when "cat" is spelled correctly.  McDonald's the Videogame, Tuboflex, and Disaffected take the player into the insidious and manipulative worlds of the corporate complex and the exploited worker, while Queer Power and Orgasm Simulator introduce everything that the gym teacher and those 16 mm films left out in sex ed.  This is what the internet was made for. 

Thanks to Gene Perelson for helping SMPT fight the good fight.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim

Instant Karmageddon

Want to see your name in the The Washington Post without having to take on a porn alias?  Then we at SMPT suggest you take part in The Washington Post's Style Invitational where readers are asked to do funny things with words in return for prizes (all ya'll are whores).  For example, here's what happened when the Invitational "once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition."

• Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
• Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
• Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.
• Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
• Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
• Glibido (v) All talk and no action.
• Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
• Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
• Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim, who supposes you always could still take on that porn name if you so choose

3 Shares of Nicole Kidman

In the Hollywood Stock Exchange, you buy and sell shares of celebrities and movies with the two million "Hollywood Dollars" given to you.  This is your chance to indulge the yuppie star fucker within.

Thanks once again to Sander Cohan for helping us help you get through the day and "pace" which helps us and so on and so forth.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim

Play with your money

The Open Money Project is some sort of thing that's about money that's open and you play a game and there's a community and LETS is somehow involved.  I don't get it, but maybe you will.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim, who damns her hangover and demands to know who is LETS

Puzzle Me This

Sorry Monday, it's nothing personal.  But I hate you. 

With that said, try Jigzone, where you put together online jigsaw.  You can choose difficulty levels from a 6-piece cut up to a 247 piece cut puzz, as well as time your accomplishment or lack thereof.  I like Jigzone.

Note: Hatred of Mondays and like of Jigzone are not related.  Or, more correctly, are not apparently so. 

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim, who is 1) very sleepy 2) finds lately that when she eats it feels like some of the food is going up her nose and that's not pleasant and so thinks maybe she should start chewing her food more slowly

Guess the Google

Guess-the-google is one helluva addictive game.  The system generates images based on a random keyword; you're shown the images and then you, the player, have to guess what it is in 20 seconds.  The more keywords you guess right and the faster you guess, the higher your score.

The only drawback this SMPTer can find is the lack of a point in the game where your drunken UNC friends get to shout "Higher! Lower!" from the back while Bob Barker ogles your breasts.

Thanks to Gene Perelson for the virtual dope.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim

SWANA River

The Solid Waste Association of North America (SWANA) has deposited this chunk of fun on its website. 

Funny -- I thought the Solid Waste Association of North America was the US Congress.  Hi-yo!

-- by Puerile SMPT Contributor Gene Perelson, whose joyful indulgence in scatology is both disgusting and reprehensible...like pooh!

Via Sander Cohan, Master of Solid Waste