Procrastinator's Toolbox

... and that's what happened to King Arthur and the Knights of the Rectangular Keyboard

As an office slave, a filing serf, an indentured servant to the college-loan machine, you have skills.  Mad skills.  Skills that the temp agencies and the head hunters of the world would die for.  Yes, you may be a slave to the Man.  But you are a Master of Typing.  They didn't call you Sir Types-a-lot for nothing.  Remember it, prove it, show it, by taking that death-defying challenge: The Typing Test.

Then go back to pushing those papers that cut and make you cry.  Woopah!

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung "Peon" Kim, who asks what's up with the disclaimer "Please note that this free typing test may not be used for recruitment purposes" on the TypingTest.com site?

Chronic Laziness

Laziness has hit.  Resulting in a procrastinating of procrastination.  A careless James Deanian laugh at that thing called "work" and not even a lazy attempt to lazily look like I'm doing the minimal amount of paper-pushing to justify paying my lazy ass. 

I am lazily curious (or curiously lazy) and so decide to type www.lazy.com in the url to see what comes up.  Up pops a "Page cannot be displayed page".  Wondering if the domain name has never been picked up, I do a quick domain registration search and find that it's no long available.  I'd like to think the owners have been too lazy to actually put up a site.  Brilliant!  I am feeling less bad about my own lazy state.

Still lacking any desire to do anything, I inevitably decide to lazily search "lazy" in Google with hazy hopes of finding compadres who suffer from this same disease of sloth.  (The image to the left is the first taken from the Google Images search of "lazy")  I click the "I'm feeling lucky" button and am surprisingly led to "The Chronic of Narnia Rap" which ahead-of-his-times Gene Perelson sent me ages ago but which I lazily did not post before the rest of the world had a looksee (If you haven't watched, you must!  there's a reason why the NY Times reported on this bit, as well as oyster pot pies.  But the reasons are vastly different... or so we are led to believe).  While immensely enjoyable, it is at the same time disappointing to find the Chronic Rap as the #1 hit for lazy.  Chris Parnell and Andy Sandberg are not lazy!  Nor are the makers or people profiled in Lazy-i magazine (online music magazine that features artist profiles, interviews, reviews and news about national and Omaha indie rock bands) or LazyWeb where people send in ideas that you think others might be able to solve. 

So what gives?  Why the rampant use of the word "lazy" for that which is not, unfairly trumping and trouncing the little to no effort on part of the couch potatoes of the world?  I blame Bush and/or his speechwriters who've dug deeper into the chasm where Babel once stood, by calling that which isn't democracy, democracy, and that which isn't freedom, freedom, and that which isn't terror, terror.  The breakdown of language has infiltrated the masses and now that which isn't laziness is being called laziness. 

With all this searching and pop-theorizing I am more tuckered than lazy.  Time to lay down on this soap box here and take a nap. 

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

You, only South Park

If you ever wished yourself in the land of Kenny killing, mmm-kays, singing poop, and big round heads with small squat bodies, then The South Park Studio is for you.  You can realize your somewhat perverse  fantasy of two-dimensionality and create a South Parky avatar to your own likeness.  Or someone else's likeness.  Or no one's likeness at all.  Hey, I'm just offering suggestions.  So chill.  Back off.  Jesus, just stop yelling at me. 

If you want to save your avatar, do a print screen.  This means, press "ctrl + print screen", then go to Word or a drawing program, open a new document, and paste it baby.

Thanks to Marie Dalby for the link via Catherine Price.  And Gene Perelson for the print-screening know-how.  That's what we here at SMPT call teamwork.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim, who did indeed have a headgear in elementary school and has the traumatic stories to prove it

The world is full of pea hens.

Wyndham Lewis' 1914 The Code of a Herdsman is better sampled than explained.  The following are excerpts from the 18 point Code.  Nearly a century old, it's still so relevant that you'll want to adopt it as your own, though you can't let on to anyone that you have (see rule 4).

3. Exploit Stupidity. 

8. Never lie. You cannot be too fastidious about the truth. If you must lie, at least see that you lie so badly that it would not deceive a pea hen. — The world is, however, full of pea hens.

16. Contradict yourself. In order to live, you must remain broken up.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim

Why business people speak like idiots.

Fight the Bull provides insight into the neanderthalic speakage of on the ball, moving forward, global excellence, workflow revolution, streamlined positioning, and strategic enterprise solutions.  Read the blog, buy the book, watch the movie, even download the  freeware that'll "eliminate jargon in your documents"  i.e. the bull. 

Best of all, have the Mystery Matador send your most business-bull speaking co-worker an anonymous email that redflags their bullshitting.  Unless you are that business-bull speaking co-worker.  In which case, yes, I do think that that the convergence of focused innovative management criteria technologies with poop is the wave of the future.

Thanks to Gene Perelson for this much-needed dictionary and tour-guide in one.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim

Interpreting your Starry Nights

Love art, hate art, indifferent to art, married to art, wondering "who's art?" -- it doesn't matter when the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, so take a looksee at Artnet Horoscopes.  Thorough, well-written, and longish, they go well beyond the typical three sentence mishmash of gobbleygook. 

Thanks to Sahn Kim for the Toolboxy goodness.  It's like Bit o' Honey!

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim

You, only flatter (and cuter)

Do you run faster than an ice cube melts in hell?  Are you a physiotherapist because you believe you have to be footloose to be fancy-free?  Then maybe you're a two-dimensional being with green hair and eyes that take up 3/4 of your face who knows how to kick robot ass but still has boy troubles and falls asleep in class and all the while are unwittingly ogled by three-dimensional men much older than you who have a particular fondness for seeing you in little Ts that fall off one shoulder and panties in what you believe to be the privacy of your bedroom.  Or you may be an extraterrestrial with psychic powers and a face that can be marketed the world over as a very cute cell phone accessory.  By completing the What Kind of Animal/Manga Are You? quiz, you'll be able to know for sure.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim

Personal ads so honest, they hurt

Esquire's Brutally Honest Personals are void of clever adspeak and cutesy emoticons.  They are simply honest.  Brutally.  Honest.  Short, fat, broke, herpes-ridden, greedy, sad, drunk, bulimic, poor at poker, really really broke, still living with parents, three-legged-cat lover -- frighteningly just like you and me. 

Thanks to EiC Catherine Price for this one.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim, who, if she put up a Brutally Hest Personal would write "Frighteningly just like these other people" but is too lazy to do it (see "Salt Magazine's Procrastinator's Toolbox") and so hopes that someone else will and then giver her the credit with a link to this post because she's greedy too

Discover your Chinese Name and discover the secrets of the Orient

Feeling less mystical, sensual, exotic, mysterious, and pearl-creamy than usual?  Tired of hearing how unmystical, un-sensual, unexotic, un-mysterious, and un-pearl-creamy you are?  Maybe it's because you have a boring Anglo name...  Fortunately for you, there's The Chinese Name Finder!

Unlike other supposed Chinese Name Finders, The Chinese Name Finder does not determine your Chinese Name solely on your English first and last names, gender, and birthday.  The master craftsmen of The Chinese Name Finder have taken millions of years studying the thousands-of-years old science of the mystical, sensual, exotic, mysterious, and pearl creamy Orient to develop the patented "Desired Essence of the Name" category making The Chinese Name Finder the one and only true Chinese Name Finder.  With its convenient pull-down screen -- from which you choose from an all-encompassing plethora of Essences including and limited to "personal character and skill," "wealth and fortune," "beauty and appearance," "mind and intellgience," and "strength and power" -- The Chinese Name Finder is both scientific and easy!  What could be better than that?  Did we mention it was simple and free?  Well, it is!  But only for a limited time from Then through Later!

So go on, use The Chinese Name Finder now and discover a more mystical and sensual and exotic and mysterious and pearl-creamy you.

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim who found that Zhang Ziyi's Chinese name is Zhao Zhao Hong and Mao ZeDong's is Internal Server Error, and will henceforth call them by these respective Chinese Names

Too bad Narcissus is dead. He would've liked this one.

The Mirror Project "is a growing community of like-minded individuals who have photographed themselves in all manner of reflective surfaces."  Sound self-involved?  That's because it is.  But nonetheless interesting and worth a gander.  Because when one creates a reflective image of oneself, isn't it really an image of the reflection that is reflective of the image of all of us? 

- report by SMPT correspondent, Kyoung Kim, who likes it when a Wednesday feels like a Tuesday but not the other way around