Procrastinator's Toolbox

I Trust Mother Nature

Last year, news of the Animal Olympics in China horrified animal rights activists and McNugget eaters worldwide.  And as human nature would have it, children saw, followed and engaged in animal cruelty.  But mother nature is a friggin hilarious bitch and she got her revenge.

A bunch of idiot kids climbed into a crocodile tank and started taunting and throwing crap at them.  So what happens?  Exactly what you'd expect.  The crocodiles ate one of the kids.  Look, I'm not saying that it's not sad that a kid died, but I believe in natural selection.  You fuck with the bull, you get the horns.  Sadly the crocodiles were later executed for being crocodiles.

- by boxing promoter rights activist Ted Kim who is appalled that I didn't get to watch kangaroo boxing on Pay Per View.

Stupid and Possibly Gay: Like Father, Like Sons

A man in Bentonville, Arkansas is suing the city because his sons found "The Whole Lesbian Sex Book" in the library.  The man's 14 and 16 year old boys were supposedly "greatly disturbed" by it.

First things first, the book should be spelled "The Hole Lesbian Sex Book."  Secondly, these kids need friends.  A 14 year old boy disturbed by lesbian sex needs to go to summer camp and trade his Aerobie for a Hustler.  Either that or they need to go to Father Rod's Sexual Reeducation and "Exploration" Camp.  These kids find this book and report it to their dad?  If they were in any way normal, they would have reported the book lost or stolen, and then hidden it under their mattress for years.   The man also said that the book caused sleepless nights, which is hysterical.  Let the boys finish firing off their knuckle children and they'll sleep like lambs.

There are so many things wrong with this story that I'm tempted to acquire financing to distribute issues of Girls Going Down door to door for the children of the world, like a pro-lesbian sex Jehovah's Witness.

- by pro-everything Ted Kim who is totally pro-Bush.  Not the president, the vagina.

Nobody Puts Baby on the Corner of Vesey & West

Dirty Dancing will be celebrating its 20th anniversary, which is the most exciting thing to happen since Dirty Dancing celebrated its 15th anniversary.  In honor of this, the whoriest film festival in the world, The Tribecca Film Festival, who believes that a Star Wars prequel qualifies as festival material, will open the festivities this year with a "drive-in" screening of Dirty Dancing in the World Financial Center Plaza.

Be there, if you've ever blown a Hollywood type, or save $800 dollars by renting it at your video store or watching it on We. 

- by former dance instructor Ted Kim who became a barroom bouncer until the Cubans and Russians invaded my small mountain town.  WOLVERINES!

Dress 'em up. Or don't.

Recognize this handome man?  Yes it's Der Hasselhoff in his trademark black leather vest.  Dress up your favorite international stars at Stardoll.com.

- by non-German speaking Ted Kim who wishes he were half the singer Der Hoff is.

Apologies

A while back I recommended Soylent Green as a meat substitute.  I must now stress that nobody eat Soylent Green.  Turns out it's made from people.  Whoops!  My bad...

- by former Soylentarian Ted Kim who is gonna stick with vegemite.

My Slow Return

Sorry.  Been away.  Sorta back.  And I apologize in advance if my posts get more bitter.

I'm still on the dream job search, and I got called a chink last week.  And now?  I just want to go fishing.  I just need to be somewhere where I can just be.  The fish don't hate me, unless they're really reluctant about getting eaten.  The beer doesn't judge me, we've always had a very understanding relationship.

Maybe I don't want to fish, maybe I just want to drink in the sun and rock back and forth.  It'd be cheaper than a fishing trip.  Either way, I'm gonna give this a shot: Beer Fishing, since even buying a rocking chair and a six pack is out of my budget.

- by milk carton poser Ted Kim who thinks Yahweh rained out all the ballgames yesterday because Jackie's work is too far from done.

Blessings

God bless Anna Nicole, God bless OJ, God bless the media, and God bless Robin Hood.

- by pessimist Ted Kim who didn't follow football in 1980 so finally gets to root for OJ.

Tuesday is Soylent Green Day!

I have some news.  I found a new delicious meat substitute.  It's called Soylent Green and the manufacturers claim that it's 'the miracle food of high energy plankton gathered from the oceans of the world.'  It already tastes salty, you don't even have to add salt! 

- by Soylentarian Ted Kim who wonders if Atkins dieters can eat Soylent Green.

Valentine's Treat

Happy Valentine's Day, single people!  Here's a cute little game for y'all to play.

All you happy relationship zombies can suck it.

- by thousandaire bachelor Ted Kim who is not at all bitter about this shitty holiday.

My Old Hag

I heard about this on my favorite podcast Mysterious Universe, a show about news of the unexplained like the O'Hare UFO or the Bosnian Pyramids: The Old Hag Syndrome.  The disturbing part of the Old Hag Syndrome is that it's personally familiar to me, meaning I know this has happened to me though I have no concrete recollection of it.

You wake up from your sleep, paralyzed.  You feel a weight on your chest and your breathing becomes shallow.  And you see dark shadows and feel that the shadow is what is keeping you from moving.  Many believe this is caused by a supernatural presence, but because its so common, they have come up with a medical explanation.  Believe what you will.  I choose to believe Gillian Anderson will marry me and chase them away.

- by insomniac Ted Kim who would love for any hag, young or old, to sit on him, except Ann Coulter and my relatives.